You cannot listen to everything you read. There are a lot of fitness magazines and websites out there that give you horrible advice. Just because it's in a known magazine or website does not make it valid. I wrote my own version of bad advice...it's exaggerated just a bit.
*Warning: the
following content contains graphic sarcasm. Do not read if you are boring and
can't take a joke.*
I'm here to show you
how to loose the weight the right way. First, don't even try to exercise
before you buy some really expensive clothes. We have to make sure that you at least look the part. It's going to be hard, but I know we'll get you looking like an athlete eventually. I want to see you clad in the most expensive clothes that all the celebrities are wearing (including those purses).
Also, those butt-toning
shoes are legit. They really tone your butt, so get them if you want a body
like Kim Kardashian.
Who cares if they got sued because the shoes were
apparently not working! The people that bought them obviously didn't wear them
long enough. If you didn't spend at least $500 on clothes, then you're wasting
you're time. You cannot workout in just anything. After you've gotten all of
your clothes you have to get the most expensive gym membership you can muster.
You need a gym with all of the latest machines and equipment. So now it's time
to go to the gym. When you get there you have to go on every magical machine in
the gym and put it on the heaviest weight. "No pain, no gain." If
your legs feel like they're going to fall off, don't worry, "No pain, no
gain." If you snap your ankle in two, don't worry. "No pain, no
gain." Next go to the free weight area. Unless you're a girl. Girls should
never touch a free weight. But, they can touch the Shake Weight (commercial
below). It comes in pink, ladies!
So, if you're a guy, pick up the heaviest weight you can find and
whatever you do just make the loudest groans you can so that the other innocent
gym-goers know you're there. Do one rep and then slam you're weights on the
floor and pound your chiseled chest like Tarzan. Good job! Go drink some
Gatorade. Try to drink as much Gatorade as you can. Water doesn't have the
abundance of nutrients Gatorade has. Now
go home and watch TV. Find that channel that sells all of those fitness
machines that everyone thinks are lame. Get whatever comes on the screen. After
you've ordered all of those amazing fitness contraptions it's time for a
protein shake. Dump as much protein powder that fits in the blender and mix it
with Gatorade and start chugging. Go to GNC or the place nearest you that sells
diet pills and shakes. Get everything within reach. Just take it all. Do you
think you can be healthy by only eating fruits and vegetables? You cannot get
all the vitamins and minerals you need from simply eating fruits and
vegetables. It's simply ridiculous! You need to chug that protein. And, always
remember to buy things labeled "low-fat", "fat-free", and
"sugar-free". Oh, and buy a few thousand boxes of those tiny
100-calorie snacks. Repeat everything you just learned everyday. And there you have
it! You're on your way to a successful weight loss.
So that was my bad fitness advice. Now whatever you do...do not follow the advice above! You'll probably end up like this guy (but the only difference between you and the guy in the picture would be that you wouldn't even be able to pick up a pencil):
~Amanda
