Bad Fitness Advice

You cannot listen to everything you read. There are a lot of fitness magazines and websites out there that give you horrible advice. Just because it's in a known magazine or website does not make it valid. I wrote my own version of bad advice...it's exaggerated just a bit.

*Warning: the following content contains graphic sarcasm. Do not read if you are boring and can't take a joke.*

I'm here to show you how to loose the weight the right way. First, don't even try to exercise before you buy some really expensive clothes. We have to make sure that you at least look the part. It's going to be hard, but I know we'll get you looking like an athlete eventually. I want to see you clad in the most expensive clothes that all the celebrities are wearing (including those purses). 

 Also, those butt-toning shoes are legit. They really tone your butt, so get them if you want a body like Kim Kardashian. 

Who cares if they got sued because the shoes were apparently not working! The people that bought them obviously didn't wear them long enough. If you didn't spend at least $500 on clothes, then you're wasting you're time. You cannot workout in just anything. After you've gotten all of your clothes you have to get the most expensive gym membership you can muster. You need a gym with all of the latest machines and equipment. So now it's time to go to the gym. When you get there you have to go on every magical machine in the gym and put it on the heaviest weight. "No pain, no gain." If your legs feel like they're going to fall off, don't worry, "No pain, no gain." If you snap your ankle in two, don't worry. "No pain, no gain." Next go to the free weight area. Unless you're a girl. Girls should never touch a free weight. But, they can touch the Shake Weight (commercial below). It comes in pink, ladies!

So, if you're a guy, pick up the heaviest weight you can find and whatever you do just make the loudest groans you can so that the other innocent gym-goers know you're there. Do one rep and then slam you're weights on the floor and pound your chiseled chest like Tarzan. Good job! Go drink some Gatorade. Try to drink as much Gatorade as you can. Water doesn't have the abundance of nutrients Gatorade has.  Now go home and watch TV. Find that channel that sells all of those fitness machines that everyone thinks are lame. Get whatever comes on the screen. After you've ordered all of those amazing fitness contraptions it's time for a protein shake. Dump as much protein powder that fits in the blender and mix it with Gatorade and start chugging. Go to GNC or the place nearest you that sells diet pills and shakes. Get everything within reach. Just take it all. Do you think you can be healthy by only eating fruits and vegetables? You cannot get all the vitamins and minerals you need from simply eating fruits and vegetables. It's simply ridiculous! You need to chug that protein. And, always remember to buy things labeled "low-fat", "fat-free", and "sugar-free". Oh, and buy a few thousand boxes of those tiny 100-calorie snacks. Repeat everything you just learned everyday. And there you have it! You're on your way to a successful weight loss.

So that was my bad fitness advice. Now whatever you do...do not follow the advice above! You'll probably end up like this guy (but the only difference between you and the guy in the picture would be that you wouldn't even be able to pick up a pencil):

~Amanda

Do's and Don'ts of an Awkward Silence

An awkward silence is pretty much the death of a conversation.  Everyone just sits there scrolling through their minds for conversation topics and others just hope that someone will say something....anything. An awkward silence can be well…awkward (duh!!). But things can be done to overcome them. Next time you're caught in an awkward silence try doing of one of the following:

-Stop. Drop. And roll.
-Whisper…."make a wish."

-Ask seriously…"Do ants have feelings?"

-Bow your head. Close your eyes. Do not look up even if the other person starts talking and after a while say "Amen."

-Yell "Put that thing back where it came from or so help me!" (it's from Monsters Inc people)

-Start wheezing uncontrollably and don't explain why.

-(You must say this in a monotone voice with a completely straight face.) "Hit me with your best shot. Fire away"

What ever you do….do not do the following!

-Do not say "awkward turtle". That joke is dead so stop it.

-Don't say "awkward silence". You just made everything even more awkward dummy.

-Don't just sit there. Think of something to say!

-Do not comment on the weather. (Only use that as a last resort.)

-Do not say "Soooooo…."

I created a list of suitable and unsuitable topics for you to study. Feel free to make a copy of it and keep it handy (just in case).

Now, if all else fails just do the following.

You are now well prepared for your next awkward silence encounter. Good luck!

~Amanda

Why is Shakespeare so confusing?

Elated. I found some free poetry books on the Kindle (which probably sounds really nerdy….but hey! Whatever!)  I used to be really into reading but as I got older I stopped reading as much. One of my resolutions is to read more so this is me trying. Anyways, I got one book with some of Emily Dickinson's works, a Shakespeare book, and one that has a variety of poems from American poets. I read two pages of the Shakespeare book last night before my Kindle froze. I found it a little ironic. It was as if the poor Kindle couldn't even handle the complexity of Mr.Speare. Those two pages were so confusing, to say the least. The guy's writing is so beautiful and witty but utterly confusing. I wonder if he even understood what he was writing! Anyways, because my Kindle froze, I had to Google how to reset it and, long story short, I fell asleep. I eventually fixed it the next day. I'm a little scared of approaching Shakespeare again (for me and my Kindle's sake). I don't completely dislike him. I can handle him if I have an interpreter by my side.  If you're thinking about reading Shakespeare here are some tips:

• You might want to keep a dictionary by your side or a list of Shakespearean terms
• Read it before you go to sleep so that you fall asleep faster.
• Read. It. Slowly.
• Be prepared to spend more time reading it than you would on a regular book.

Reading Shakespeare also gets me thinking about how much speech has changed since then. Romeo, in Romeo and Juliet, says “Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.” when his eyes fall on the beautiful Juliet. People obviously do not speak like that anymore. Today's version of what that would have sounded like goes something like this... "That girl's so hot!!!!"

Wow….how lovely. Don't you think?

 Overall, Shakespeare isn't horrible, but his writing sure is confusing. Well, wish me luck and pray that my Kindle doesn't breakdown again.

~Amanda

My Love/Hate Relationship with Facebook

Having a Facebook account can have it's pros and cons. At times, the cons greatly outnumber the pros. Allow me to rephrase that: Most times, the cons greatly outnumber the pros. I've considered deleting my account and ridding myself of the addictive social-networking tool once and for all, but I just can't seem to do it. I've traveled to different places around the world and Facebook is the best thing that helps me stay connected with the people I've met on my adventures.

But nevertheless here are my pros and cons of Facebook...

Con: reading the posts where people feel the need to post every detail about their day. I love reading about every single itty-bitty detail of their "absolutely fabulous" day. (notice my sarcasm)

Pro: Facebook is the perfect tool for keeping up with friends.

Con: Game requests. I have to admit that I was terribly addicted to Farmville a few years ago. I don't know if it was the kaleidoscope of colors or the mesmerizing music that seems to hypnotize you into wanting to play it more and more and more. It's a trap! Don't fall for it! But, for those of you who have unfortunately fallen victim to the enslaving games, please don't send me requests. I don't want to be in your mafia or send you a cow for your marvelous, little farm.

Pro: Sharing my photography on Facebook is easy and all of my friends can see my pictures!

Con: Those cryptic status updates that make you want to push someone down the stairs. We've all heard those statuses that are purposely directed to one person. "I hate you for what you did." Who do you hate? Why do you hate them? Then when someone asks them what's wrong they reply simply with "I don't want to talk about it." or "Inbox me.". HA! Well, I didn't realize this was a private matter! 

Pro: Facebook reminds me of my friend's birthdays. Man...I'm so bad at remembering birthdays. Thank you Facebook!

Con: Political battles. Thank goodness the election is over because the time during and shortly after the election was pure madness. Pure madness I tell you!!! Some people think it's their job to convert people to their political party. Every argument is pretty much the same. Person A says something about politics. Person B disagrees with Person A. Person A argues back about why he/she's right. And the rest of the alphabet are watching the debate as they're glued to their computer screens eating giant tubs of popcorn.

Pro: Facebook allows me to stay connected with friends, share and view pictures, chat, and keep up with events all in one place.

Con: Anything starting with "Like if…". Grrrr…..

Pro: You can keep up with what's going on in other people's lives. I can keep up with people that are undergoing surgery so I can pray for them. I can motivate someone who's new resolution is to be more active. I can see what movies and music my friends like on their profiles.

Con: People trying to add you on Facebook that you don't even know. What gave you the impression that I want to be your friend on FB? I don't even know you! You could be a psycho serial killer who wants to brutally murder me in my sleep!  Weirdos…

Pro: You can express yourself.

My conclusion is that Facebook is the perfect tool for keeping up with friends, but it has its obvious cons! But all joking aside, I think it's clear that I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook (and I know I'm not the only one). What do you like and dislike about Facebook?

~Amanda

The Pros and Cons of being short

I'm about 5 feet tall and I weigh (whoops...temporary memory loss). I've always been short and it's never really something that I've hated about myself. I embrace my compact size. But, some days, being tiny can have it's disadvantages.

Con: Finding pants that aren't too long. 

Pro: Dressing up as a Hobbit is as easy as pie. (I have no idea where that untrue expression originated. "Easy as pie." Pie is not easy! Have you tried making a pie? You have to make the dough and chop up whatever you're going to put in it...then sauté whatever you're going to put in it and and…well you get the picture.)

Con: People mistake you as an arm rest. Oh if I had a nickel for every time someone put their arm on my head I'd be rich.   

Pro: People in the grocery store never ask you to help them reach something on a higher shelf.

Con: You have to ask people to help you reach something on a high shelf.

Pro: No one can ever find you in hide-and-seek or sardines. I love playing hide-and-seek for exactly this reason! One time I hid in a dryer and no one was able to find me. Another time I hid behind a bookshelf. Yes...behind it.

Con: Sometimes mistaken as a child. Whenever I reply to someone's question of "How old are you?" they always say "Really? You look a lot younger!". This happens every time without fail.

Pro: You could pass for a child's admission at the movies until you were 13.

Con: Your seatbelt hits your face.

Pro: Being in the front row for all group pictures! (this can double as a con)

Con: When people try to pick you up. *glare* (Dear tall people, please stop trying to pick us halflings up. We will bite you.)

Con: Being stuck behind someone with a huge head at the movies. (maybe if I kick his head he'll let me get away with it because I look like a child)

Pro: Being a natural expert at limbo.

Con: Hugging someone much taller than you can be really awkward.

Pro: You look younger.

Con: finding shoes small enough for your feet that don't light up or have Dora's face plastered all over them.

Con: the childhood days of being called "shorty" and "chicken little". But maybe that was just me.

~Amanda

10 things to do when you're waiting for something to heat up in the microwave

1. Do some lunges. Do some squats. Do some push-ups. Get a quick workout in.

2. Run around the house screaming "It's alive!! It's alive!!" Remember to flail your arms wildly above your head for maximum effect.

3. Eat some cheese. Cheese is good.

4. Organize the fridge. HA! Just kidding.

5.  Watch a cute animal video on YouTube. You know you want to.

6. Press your face up against the microwave window. (that may or may not be bad for you)

7. Google "things to do when you're waiting for something to heat up in the microwave".

8. Scream "SPIDERRRR!!!"and  jump up on the counter. (This only works when there's someone else in the kitchen.)

9. Do the macarena. Everyone loves the macarena.

10. Sit on the ground and pretend to meditate. Say "Ommmm….ommmmm…". Then when someone walks by you and asks you what you're doing tell them that they're distracting you from your "inner peace".

~Amanda

The 9 Annoying Types of People at the Gym

These are my observations at the gym and my perspective on things. It's meant to be taken as a joke so please don't take anything the wrong way. Enjoy...

The Narcissist

 These guys do something as small as 5 push-ups and then run to the mirror and flex their biceps to asses the "progress". It doesn't work that way sweetie. Sorry.  These guys roll up their sleeves, pull up their shirts, wink and nod in satisfaction at what they think they see. We all know those guys that spend more time admiring themselves in the mirror  than actually exercising.

The Squawkers

People on the phone. These people jabber on about nothing in particular on the phone while trying to make sure that everyone within a 300 foot radius can hear them. Nothing can block out the sound. Turning up your music doesn't always do the trick. You are doomed and forced to listen to them ramble about they ate for the past 3 weeks.

The Overly Curious

These people will be on the treadmill or elliptical next to yours and peek at your machine to see your time and how fast you're going. This actually happened to me twice this morning. Let's focus on our own workout shall we?

Machine-Hogs

  We've all seen those people that stay on one machine for like a half hour. They primarily sit there people-watching. They do 10 reps, rest for 5 minutes, and repeat. Your clothes will be out of style by the time it's finally your turn.

The Contagious Ones

People that go to the gym when they're sick should really stay home. Coughing all over the equipment is gross and could get other people sick. I go to the gym to exercise and not to catch the bubonic plague thank you very much.

The Oblivious

These people will get on the treadmill right next to yours when there are 10 other empty ones. Do they do it on purpose? (sometimes these people double as the Overly Curious identity above)

The Conversationalists

 When someone is on a machine near me and their friend comes along and they end up having a long, loud conversation. This mostly happens with women in my gym but guys do it too (just not as obnoxiously) All you hear is "Ahhhh!!!!....OMG really?....He did what?....No way!....Omg…Omg…Omg…ahhhh…I know right?...I love coming to the gym and getting physically fit….I love doing like workouts and like zumba…ahhhh!!!!!" Their vocabulary also is made up of the newest gossip.

The Divas

Wearing too much make-up at the gym…..ugh. Then when they have too much makeup on it ends up melting off their face and making their eyes look depressed.

The Future Chiropractor Patient

The people that are clearly doing an exercise wrong and you know they're going to break one of their limbs sometime within the week. They look like they're breaking the laws of physics and using the equipment in ways that really should not be used.

Overall, I think we've all encountered these different identities when we've gone to the gym. I am in no way trying to offend anyone. I'm just pointing out the different people that I see at the gym. Hope it made you laugh. What annoys you at the gym?

~Amanda